Wanted: Nation/State to Fill Vacant Axis of Evil Slot (2003)

 ©2003, 2013 by Dallas Denny

 Source: Denny, Dallas. (2003). Wanted: Nation/State to fill vacant Axis of Evil Slot. Unpublished.

Thumbnail Photo: Impersonal remote death-delivering devices make it moral to kill civilians, you betcha!

 

 

I wrote this shortly after the 2003 invastion of Iraq by the “forces of the coalition” (i.e., by the U.S.) It was a lot of fun coming up with truly evil criteria for inclusion for which we are in fact the world leaders. Sadly, I didn’t manage to work in clandestine derendition of American citizens. Maybe next time.

The Government of the United States of America

For Immediate Release

Wanted: Nation/State to Fill Vacant “Axis of Evil” Slot

 

Iraq’s spot in the much-coveted Axis of Evil is now open and the U.S. Government is taking applications and will grant the slot to the nation/state scoring the highest on the following rating scale.

 

To be eligible for Axis of Evil status, a country must:

1. Have an out-of-control leader (worth 30 points on rating scale). 10 extra points if leader is not legitimately elected.
2. Possess weapons of mass destruction (10 points chemical, 25 points biological, 40 points nuclear, 50 points thermonuclear, 10 bonus points for satellite-based death rays)
3. Have used WMD on human beings (100 points chemical, 250 points biological, 500 points nuclear, 50 addition points for thermonuclear or death rays). 100 bonus points if any of these technologies have been “experimentally” used on the applicant’s citizens.
4. Documented history of genocide (100 points. 50 points extra for extermination or near-extermination of aboriginal peoples.)

Not required, but highly desirable:

• Documented history of imperialism (10 points). 25 points extra for expansion to other continents.
• Documented history of national belligerence (participation in WW I or WW II = 3 points each, unilateral occupation of foreign countries = 5 points for each country occupied; civil war = 30 points; 10 points extra credit if occupied country was formerly occupied by the French.
• Documented history of mistreatment of its citizens (history of slavery = 10 points, racial profiling and internment of citizens in time of war = 8 points, capital punishment = 5 points, use of tax service as political tool = 3 points.
• Documented history of election fraud. Example: a national election that hinges on the vote count of a region controlled by one of the candidate’s relatives, for instance, a brother. 25 points.
• Documented history of interference in the affairs of other sovereign nations. Invasion (“regime change”) = 25 points; puppet governments = 20 points; assassination = 15 points; gunboat diplomacy = 5 points; embargo = 3 points. Failed invasions: deduct 25 points for each.
• Documented history of claiming foreign territories as part of the “homeland;” contiguous = 10 points; noncontiguous = 15 points; 25 points extra if this colonization is documented on the candidate’s national flag.
• Documented history of state-sponsored terrorism (human bombs = 5 points; human shields = 10 points; developing systems to deliver weapons impersonally and at a distance = 25 points; 100 points extra credit for functional ICBMs).

Applications are due by 1 June, 2003. Awards will be announced on Fox News by President George W. Bush.

 

MEMO

 

FROM: Geo. W. Bush

TO: Rummy

RE: Let’s Go For It

cc: Daddy

 

I love prizes. Let’s apply for this.

Laura hepped me fill out the form.

 

To be eligible for Axis of Evil status, a country must:

1) Have an out-of-control leader (worth 30 points on rating scale). 10 extra points if leader is not legitimately elected.

I believe I qualify. I’ve invaded two countries already, one without UN sanction. I did nothing when two of our tallest buildings were felled. I’ve spent money recklessly, running up a huge national debt while cutting revenues accordingly. I’ve allowed corporate graft to run amok. I’ve given lucrative contracts to my oil buddies. I’ve persecuted my political enemies and used illegal means to silence my critics. And oh, yes, I’ve initiated detailed information-gathering on all our citizens. But best of all, I’ve attacked those troublesome constitutional amendments, most notably I, V, VI, VII, XI, and XIV. And of course, my election made a shambles of XII and XXIV.

2) Possess weapons of mass destruction (10 points chemical, 25 points biological, 40 points nuclear, 50 points thermonuclear)

We’ve got this one nailed. We have more than ten thousand nuclear and thermonuclear weapons. We have smallpox and anthrax and Bubonic plague and some nasty stuff no one has an idea about. And we have nasty chemical weapons. Gas? We’ve got gas! Mustard and other blister agents, tons (literally) of nerve agents. We even have some Zyklon-B we confiscated from the Nazis at the end of WWII. And we have the weapons from that saucer that crashed in Roswell back in the ’50s. Of course, we don’t talk about that much, but CIA Director Tenet told me we’ve been slowly introducing the alien technology. Why do you think those bombs are so smart?

3) Have used WMD on human beings (100 points chemical, 250 points biological, 500 points nuclear, 50 addition points for thermonuclear). 100 bonus points if any of these technologies have been “experimentally” used on the applicant’s citizens.

Bingo! We used gas in WWI. We used nukes in WWII. We would have used the H-bomb, but it hadn’t been invented. I had to think for awhile about the biological stuff; I thought we were washed up, but Laura, bless her pea-pickin’ heart, reminded me we gave smallpox blankets to the Plains Indians way back in the 19th Century. That qualifies. So hey, we’re three for three!

Oh—Hank (Kissinger) dropped by and I ran it by him. He reminded me about Tuskeegee, and those LSD and germ experiments back in the ’60. Looks like we got the bonus points, too!

4)Documented history of genocide (100 points. 50 points extra for extermination or near-extermination of aboriginal peoples.)

I could argue that the bombings of Dresden, Hiroshima, and Nagasaki were genocidal, but we’re falling back on the biggie, which gets us those extra points! We pert-near wiped out the Indians— not the ones in Asia, the ones that were here. We were creative about it, too; we walked the Cherokee to death, we killed off the buffalo so the Plains Indians would starve, and we rounded up the few that were left and herded them onto reservations and fed them tainted meat. The few that survived are still on the Res today, but we have most of them addicted to alcohol, so they’re no big problem.

Boy, it’s a good thing Hitler and Joe Stalin aren’t around anymore. There would be real competition on this question!

Not required, but highly desirable:

• Documented history of imperialism (10 points). 25 points extra for expansion to other continents.

Imperialism? You got it! How about “From sea to shining sea?” I still think that song should be our national anthem. What’s a rampart, anyhow? And how ’bout Manifest Destiny? How about the wars with Mexico and Spain? How about 54’40” or fight? How about NATO? How about Guam, and Samoa, and Hawaii, and Wake Island, and the San Juan Islands, and Puerto Rico, and all those other islands? How about Alaska and the Louisiana Purchase and whipping the Mexicans down in my part of the country, and in California? We’re all over this continent, and we’ve got big holdings in Asia. Gimmee that extra credit!

• Documented history of national belligerence (participation in WW I and WW II = 3 points, unilateral occupation of foreign countries = 5 points; civil war = 30 points; occupation of countries formerly occupied by the French: 10 points extra credit.

There’s not a war we’ve missed; well, maybe that stuff in the Congo. We were in WW I. We were in WWII. We were smart in both cases, too; we waited until the last minute. We fought the French, we fought the British, we fought Mexico, we fought Spain, we invaded Nicaragua and Panama, and we took Grenada. We threatened to fight Canada, even though they won’t fight. We even fought ourselves— give us that 30 points! And we get the French thing, too, since we took over their mess in Viet Nam.

• Documented history of mistreatment of its citizens (history of slavery = 10 points, racial profiling and internment of citizens in time of war = 8 points, capital punishment = 5 points, use of tax service as political tool = 3 points.

We had that slavery thing. We interned citizens of Japanese and German descent in WWII, and we’re working on Arab-looking dudes and dudettes right now. We do capital punishment. Gotcha, Tim McVie! Gotcha, Rosenbergs! Gotcha, John Wilkes Booth. We’ve used the IRS as a political weapon. Nixon thought of that one, and I’ve been dusting it off.

• Documented history of election fraud. Example: a national election that hinges on the vote count of a region controlled by one of the candidate’s relatives, for instance, a brother. 25 points.

Well, we flunk this one. Of course, the 2000 national election was a totally legitimate thing. Totally. Al Gore and the rest of the Dems are crybabies. And that Jeb Bush, the Florida governor? No relation. None whatsoever.

• Documented history of interference in the affairs of other sovereign nations. Invasion (“regime change”) = 25 points; puppet governments = 20 points; assassination = 15 points; gunboat diplomacy = 5 points; embargo = 3 points. Failed invasions: deduct 25 points for each.

Two words: Iraq. We’re interfering all to hell and gone over there. And another coupla words: Afghanistan. But that’s just my own work. I have to give credit to Kennedy (Cuba and Viet Nam), Teddy Roosevelt (Cuba, too, and the Philippines), and others too numerous to mention. Hell, even Bill Clinton got involved— think Kosovo. Not to mention our support of practically every corrupt dictator who ever lived: the Shah of Iran, Papa Doc, Fernando Marcos, and even Manuel Noriega and Castro, until they tripped us up and we had to come down hard on them. And oh yes, Rudy Giuliani. What? Laura says to scratch Rudy. And finally, Usama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein. We can claim them; let’s just hope they stay in hiding and don’t pop up and queer the deal.

We’ve had puppet governments galore. Why, right now we prop up the Saudi royal family, despite the fact that the people hate them. And hey, look at me! I’m run by oil companies and corrupt corporations.

We love ’em bargos. We’ve ‘bargoed everyone. We’re ‘bargo central. Just look at Cuba! We ‘bargoed Saddam for more than a decade, except for that Oil for Food thing. We’re thinking about declaring a ‘bargo on the French. Why, I had a big plate of freedom fries just this evening.

We get the extra credit for failed invasions, too. Bay of Pigs. Viet Nam. What? We have to deduct points for that? We don’t get credit for trying? Who made up these rules, anyway?

• Documented history of claiming foreign territories as part of the “homeland;” contiguous = 10 points; noncontiguous = 15 points; 25 points extra if this colonization is documented on the candidate’s national flag.

One word: Hawaiian Islands. I looked noncontiguous up in the dictionary, and Hawaii and Alaska certainly is. And they’re on the flag, so we get the extra points. For contiguous, we have most of our states— places like Texas, California, New Mexico, Florida, Idaho, Illinois, Ontario. What’s that, Laura? Ontario isn’t ours? Well, it should be! Do you think I should invade?

• Documented history of state-sponsored terrorism (human bombs = 5 points; human shields = 10 points; developing systems to deliver weapons impersonally and at a distance = 25 points).

Darn it to hell, we’ve not had human bombs or human shields. Frankly, we never thought of it. Do those dogs and dolphins we wired up with high explosives and proximity fuses and trained to run and swim under tanks and ships count? As for the distance thing, we’ve got things like howitzers and mortars and really big cannon— but let’s concentrate on the B-52 and the B-1 and B-2 stealth bombers and ICBMs (got those extra points!) and those death beam satellites that— Oops! Forget I said anything about satellites! They don’t exist. Never did. Do we still get the extra credit?

Applications are due by 1 June, 2003. Awards will be announced on Fox News by President George W. Bush.

 

Respectfully Submitted

George W. Bush, President and Chief Evil Guy

On behalf of the United States of America